Love and Marriage

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Love is holding hands in the street.

Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant.

Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a  sofa.

Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.

Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.

Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.

Marriage is a drive on topsy turvy tarmac

Love is losing your appetite.

Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.

Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

TV has no place in love.

Marriage is a fight for the remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.

Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

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Quotations on Sex

Quotations About Sex

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. --- Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. --- Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. --- Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. --- Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. --- Lynn Lavner

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist. --- Matt Barry

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. --- George Burns

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. --- George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. --- Sharon Stone

My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading. ---Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computer)

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. --- Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. --- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) (and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. --- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.--- Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.--- Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --- Robert De Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? --- Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --- Jerry Seinfeld

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. --- Rod Stewart

Education Please

Porpoises and chimpanzees enjoy engaging in group sex.

Bizarrely, mouse sperm is longer than elephant sperm.

Male penguins only ejaculate once a year.

Hamsters are very sexually active, having sex up to 75 times a day.

The average chimpanzee takes only 10 seconds to copulate.

Fish practice fellatio.

The female mantis eats its mate's head during sex ? And the male mantis finishes the sex act without it.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure, rather than just reproduction.

In his lifetime, the average male will ejaculate about half a trillion sperm.

On average, men think about sex every 7 minutes.

According to research, people who have sex once or twice a week have better immune systems.

The technical term for the missionary position is Venus observa.

The average male erection is 5.5? To 6? Long.

For every 35lb of extra weight a man has, his penis will appear to be one inch smaller.

Most men and women experienced their first orgasm on their own.

Men reach their sexual peak in their late teens.

Women reach their sexual peak in their early 30s.

On average, men ejaculate about one tablespoon of sperm each time they have sex.

On average, it takes men only 6 minutes to reach orgasm.

The record for female orgasms in one hour is a massive 134.

The record for male orgasms in one hour is 16.

A fetish where people are aroused by licking an eyeball is called oculolinctus.

Humor mix

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The Shock - A Fantasy

It was twilight when I got on the bus. There were hardly a few people in the bus. I took on the back seat where it was empty. It looked gloomy today, maybe there will be some shower today. Good thing, it will be a solace for the summer heat. The clouds were thick and dark, blocking out the evening sunlight.

In the next stop a few of the commuters got down. Then my eyes glued on this petite one boarding the bus, dressed in a black leather mini-skirt and white cotton tops which shrug on to the firm breasts. The midriffs were clearly visible. As this gorgie was walking up to where I sat, my heart thumped and missed a beat when the seat in front of mine was taken. I could make the outline of the face, it was smooth. The hairs flowed down to the shoulders and some of it spilled over the headrest. Taking some courage, I moved my hands over the headrest to feel the hairs. I was slow and deliberate, passed my fingers between the strands, thrilled at what I was doing.

The bus was almost empty and there were only two others who were sitting far on the front side of the bus. After few minutes of hair ruffling, I felt that there was no way that what I did was unnoticed. As there was resistance, I slowly ran my fingers higher reaching over to the scalp. I let my fingers rest there. I was hyper tense and I could hear my heart beat like drums. Facing no resistance, I slowly ruffled the hairs giving a slow massage. I brought my other hands up for assistance and continued the massage. Standing up and leaning over the seat, I spread my fingers further sideways and felt the soft ears, rubbed slowly on the ears. Did I hear a moan?

I moved my hands and felt the soft cheeks, chins and ran my fingers over the lips. Moving out of my location, I moved to the front seat and sat beside this hottie. Looking dreamily at me, there was a smile and I too grinned. Grabbing both the cheeks, I could thing of nothing but plant a kiss on the pouty lips. Our lips locked and our tongues probed each others. We were breathing like hell there was hot air exchange. I was quick in grabbing one of tits. It felt soft but was firm. From nowhere a hands came out and started rubbing on my crotch. I lifted the cotton top to reveal the firm breasts. Running the nipples between my thumb and index finger, I rolled em till they engorged. My fly was being undone and my rigid tool was out. I felt like I was going to burst out any moment.

Running my hands on the white creamy thighs, I inched up. With my other hand, I pulled up the side zipper and unhooked the skirt. My tool juiced up as I moved my hands up between the legs and I felt something there. It was too late to realise my folly. I was fingering a Hermaphrodite.

How to avoid rape

Close to one in six women is raped at some point in her life, according to the U.S. Justice Department. Knowing how to avoid becoming a victim is something every woman needs to know.

If a woman feels threatened, only she can decide what is the best course of action to take in that moment, but research has identified certain strategies that seem to work better than others.

How to Avoid Becoming a Victim

Girls in their teens are particularly at risk with the age of 14 marking the peak risk age, according to the FBI. Experts advise always staying in well-lit areas and being aware of your surroundings to discourage potential attackers.

While You're Out

·         Don't leave your beverage unattended at a bar or party.

·         Don't accept a drink from an open container.

·         Watch out for your friends if you're at a party, and be sure to arrive and leave in a group.

·         Don't go to an isolated area with someone you don't know or trust.

·         When walking outside, walk facing traffic so a car cannot approach you unnoticed from behind.

·         Don't take shortcuts you're not familiar with or that are routed through dim, unpopulated areas.

·         If a motorist stops to ask you a question, keep walking and stay on the sidewalk. Don't approach the car.

·         Avoid areas that are filled with bushes, trees or shadows. Stay out in the open, in well-lit, busy areas.

While Driving

·         Keep your car doors locked and your windows rolled up when after dark.

·         When you approach your car in a parking lot, keep your keys in your hand, check to be sure no one is hiding inside the car, and then lock the doors as soon as you get in.

·         Don't pick up hitchhikers or stranded motorists whatever gender they are.

·         If you're in a traffic accident, don't get out of your car or open the window to talk to the other motorist. Stay inside and wait for the police to arrive.

·         Some rapists have impersonated police officers pulling over vehicles. If you are pulled over by an unmarked car at night while you're alone, only pull over in a well-lit area where other people are present. A real police officer will understand your concern.

At Work

·         Avoid stairwells and rarely used hallways.

·         Don't get into an elevator alone with anyone who seems suspicious. Trust your instincts on this.

·         When on an elevator, stand near the control panel so you can push the alarm button in an emergency.

·         When waiting for an elevator, stand away from the door so you can't be pulled on.

·         Call someone at home to let him or her know when you're leaving work at night, and when to expect you home.

·         If after dark, ask a security guard or colleague to walk with you to your car / public transportation.

On Public Transportation

·         Always stay alert; don't sleep or drift off on the bus or subway.

·         Take a seat close to the driver.

·         If someone seems suspicious, move away from the person to a seat closer to the driver or to another car.

·         Choose subway cars that are full of people.

·         Arrange for someone to meet you at your destination to walk or drive you home.

Crimes of this nature can also take place at a residence, and, among women victims of rape and sexual assault, 70 percent of the crimes were committed by intimates, relatives, friends or acquaintances, according to the U.S. Justice Department.

Remember: most victims know the rapists

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